My Bloody Valentine


In 1981 an unremarkable horror film called My Bloody Valentine was released. Celebrating its unremarkable-ness to the full is this 2009 remake. Miffed miner Harry Warden is back (again) with an even bigger, pointier and all-together more 3D-ier (pick) axe to grind. Oh the horror of it all.

Ten years ago, in the sleepy mining town of Harmony, Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) - a young, inexperienced miner - caused the deaths of five fellow miners, and sending one other – Harry Warden - into a coma. A year later and Harry wakes up, with nothing but murder on his mind. He’s killed, but not before he takes a few other bodies with him...

My Bloody Valentine
Listen lady, never get between a man and his chicken goujons.

A decade later and Hanniger returns to Harmony... on Valentine’s Day. But he’s not the only one back; a figure wearing the apparel of a miner, including a breathing mask that surprisingly hides his identity, goes on a murderous rampage. It doesn’t take long before Harmony is gripped by fear, along with the belief that Harry Warden has unfinished business he wants to dig up again.

Watching a 3D film at the cinema is quite the spectacle, as it were. Horror films in particular fare well from the technology (described as being “stereographic” on the official website), with untold possibilities for things to come protruding from the screen.

At home though, the technology doesn’t seem to hold up quite as well. Firstly there are the silly cardboard glasses to contend with. Watching another 3D title at home with a companion recently, we were disappointed with how un-3D the film was. After 15 underwhelming minutes came the realisation that we were actually watching the 2D version. However things didn’t improve much whilst watching the 3D version either.

Those feelings were repeated with My Bloody Valentine. Because of the flimsy plastic lenses, the quality of picture is reduced to washed out colours. Shifting from one end of the sofa to the other, trying to find the optimum 3D-tastic seating position, also appears not to work. What’s left is a disappointing fuzziness in front of the eyes, occasionally punctuated by something that looks like it ought to be quite impressive in front of you, but sadly is not.

This is a real shame, because if any film needed all the help it could get, it would be this one. Director Patrick Lussier struggles on almost every front. His ability to create any sense of terror is on par with a kitten playing with a ball of wool. Yes, that terrifying. Jensen Ackles, who does an agreeable job in TV’s Supernatural, has that flicker in his eyes of regret for signing up to this project. Or maybe he’s just got one eye on the time remaining like the rest of us.

It also happens to be far too easy to work out the identity of who killer Harry really is. Put it this way, if Scooby-Doo was on the case even he would only need a 5 minute episode to wrap the case up, whilst being able to enjoy a Scooby snack or two with the rest of the time.

The opening scenes promise much, with a running killing start, but it ultimately fails thereafter with wave after wave of predictability. The one scary thing is that the director’s next product – sorry, project - is slated as being... Condition Dead 3D. Perhaps he owns the only 3D camera in Hollywood? Let’s hope he learns that the inclusion of fancy 3D effects shouldn’t be at the expense of a solid story. We’re betting that the story will be as flimsy as the cardboard glasses.

one out of five